I am not the kind of person who makes their own yogurt. I assume that person lives on a 10 acre plot in a perpetually blooming hillside of flowers. Their only possessions are a fluffy cow named Applebutter and some sort of crock they use to ferment everything except their sunny disposition – that remains fresh as a damn daisy. They also live in a Yurt. It’s a yogurt in a yurt kind of situation.  I am not that person. Right now there is a cat using a litter box 2 ft from my chair. My disposition is neither fresh nor sunny. It is a sturdy shade of grey, but like a cool blue-grey. The exact tone I would paint a hallway to make myself seem a little more classy.

Anyhoo, I am doing it. I am making yogurt… and you know what? I like it. It’s easy, and makes me feel like I could maybe survive an apocalypse. Yes – I am using an Instant Pot, but that doesn’t make me less of a Mad Max-style temptress in ripped leather and a hubcap for a hat… it makes me efficient. Like Martha Stewart’s executive assistant mainlining Adderall. Moving on…

THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. You acquire milk through charm or blatant thievery, or like… buy it… and place it in your very clean Instant Pot. Nobody wants yogurt flavored by last weeks chili con carne…Well, maybe someone, but they are reading an entirely different blog. So you take this milk (I use whole milk) and pour it into your pristine Instant Pot. You see that “Yogurt” button that you’ve never touched before in your life? Now is it’s golden hour, press the button until the screen says boil. Put on your lid and walk away. Your cow water (ew?) will boil in the Instant Pot until it reaches 180 degrees, then it will beep at you. Is the milk actually 180? No. Does this matter? Some internet people seem to think so, having achieved 180 and alternatively been too lazy to tack on the additional time needed to boil the milk… I have never noticed a difference. So, why are you heating the milk? People will tell you it’s to denature a protein that will make your yogurt more smooth in the end. I assume they are right. I don’t dare disagree with the internet hoard, so we wait for the beep.

There will be that weird milk skin on top, we can all agree this is disgusting and yet somehow relatable to the last time I unfolded a sheet mask for that at home, self-care nonsense I try to keep up with. Resist the urge to put the milk skin anywhere but the trash, and let the milk cool. This is actually important, if your milk is above 108 degrees Fahrenheit, you will annihilate all the bacteria in the yogurt starter you are about to add. Where did you get this starter? You bought it dammit. You went to the store and purchased a cute little container of your favorite yogurt with live cultures. I like FAGE, but go crazy… just be sure that there is a bacterial party happening under that lid by checking the ingredients. You are looking for some gibberish like “contains live cultures” or “more germs per cm than Coachella”.

You are going to add this starter blorp of yogurt to the cooled milk, stir it in real nice. Now is the best part. You put on the lid again and use the yogurt button for the second time ever, and set it to 8 or 24. I don’t have the patience for 24, so I choose 8 and then add time up to 12 hours. I like a thick, tangy yogurt, so half a day will do. Now you can go and relax. Maybe make some granola or dream about the adventures that you and Applebutter could have together. You love each other so much.

Eventually things will beep. What meets you in the Instant Pot is not what you will be expecting. Hot milk jelly swimming in yellow-ish water. Gird thy loins. It will get better.

Your yogurt is done, you can pour off the whey or save it an add to smoothies for some all natural whey-protein. I haven’t done this because hot whey is the opposite of appetizing, but you live your life however you see fit.

I like a more Greek texture, so I will use a fine mesh strainer and let the whey collect at the bottom of a bowl where I can make grossed out faces at it before pouring it down the sink. Good riddance to hot whey, I say.

Then we refrigerate and enjoy. Your new yogurt lifestyle will take a while to setup, but the yogurt you’ve made will stay fresh for 2 weeks. Try to remember to save a blorp of yogurt for your next batch so you don’t have to gamble on using charm or thievery to acquire a new starter.

Add granola. Maybe some honey or leave plain and make it into raita to go with this killer butter chicken recipe. Definitely look into getting an adorable cow to name Applebutter.