Tag: Witty

People of the internets and webber-gigs, I have not owned a vehicle for 8 years, all of which it would have been legal for me to drive. Why? Mostly because I was a broke as sh!t college student but in some part because I am an environmentalist…Not the crazy, ‘throw paint on your fur-parka’ kind, but the more low-key ‘hey, could you not throw your trash on the ground pleeease?!’ tree-hugger. Anyway, the point of all of that was I WALK A LOT, and I have the glutes to prove it. I feel like this allows me some authority when discussing shoes designed for navigating the urban jungle in wet conditions…I’m about to drop some Seattle knowledge about how I judge you based on your shoe choice;

1) Adorable rain boots (galoshes): You don’t  really do the whole “walking thing” much. If you did, you would realize that those boots, while a euphorically cute color and great for jumping in puddles, are so HEAVY that by the end of mile 1 you’re reconsidering the organic, aluminum-free deodorant. Say yes only if you’re going out for a quick trip or if you are looking to make up for that Pilates class you skipped on Tuesday->feel the burn!

2) Lovely Leather Boots: I hate you and your boots. I mean, I love your boots but I hate you for not immediately surrendering them to me on sight. All transgressions will be forgiven if you fork-them-over right now.

3) Low-Key Sneaks: YES! HIGH FIVE YOU SMARTY-PANTS! If these are your day-to-day shoes we can be best friends. They’re flexible, weigh almost nothing, support the foot, and look smart enough to keep up with your Helmut Lang inspired wardrobe. No need to dominate puddles when you are nimble enough to manuver around them. #winner

Thoughts that didn’t make the cut: Open-Toe Flats– you are fond of that squishy noise that happens when your shoes fill up with water. Toms– You are a true humanitarian in that you are willing to buy/wear god-awful ugly shoes to help people. Crocs– if you are not A) a docor or B) a chef or C) ankle-deep in soil, remove them and immediately run to your local recycling center…I would say burn them, but that could release some toxic smoke and I care about my readers general well-being. D) Pumps/Heels-You’re dumb. Take off your sky-high yikes, and stash them in your purse until you get to your oh so fancy destination so they don’t get wet. Surely you have some ugly as f- Toms to ruin instead…same goes for cute sandals. Have some respect for the craftmanship and stash’em.